I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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