I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
