We're like a lot better than the average bears
its not stalking. its research.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
