Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
