remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
