I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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