The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
