"it" just moved
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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