you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My vagina is officially offended.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Randomize
