I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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