What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She's the barista slut.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
