do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
