I accidentally had phone sex last night
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
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