just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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