the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
