sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
