His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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