i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
