You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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