i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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