Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
