She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
