Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
