i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
