Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
