I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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