Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
