i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
