Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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