Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
