That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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