He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize