I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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