How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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