your parents love me but you hate me
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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