if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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