When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
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