Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
