nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
