WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
