Whatcha textin bout Willis?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize