K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
