its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Vodka?
Forever.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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