does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
