I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
She bit a glass in half.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
