Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Randomize
