Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
