omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
