Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
