Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
time to smoke my breakfast
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
