How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
