i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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