when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
