Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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