It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
