i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
