Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
