i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
