....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
